My Existential Crisis; Or, The Lamentations of a Girl Who Was Told She Could Do Anything
Learning about existential psychotherapy is interesting and all. Until you start having your own existential crisis. Sitting at your desk, trying to get homework done through the distractions of facebook, twitter, tumblr, and anything to which they link you. Here’s the issue: if your chosen career path is interesting, then wouldn’t you *want* to do your homework? At least in general? Like, maybe not enjoy reading journal article after journal article per se, but enjoy the general acquisition of knowledge of your field that it brings? Then again, that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy it. I do. I truly enjoy psychology. The problem is that I truly enjoy learning about anything scientific. I also enjoy learning about art, fully understanding the meaning behind it. Good art, anyway. The problem is that what if this isn’t it? What if psychology is not where I’m supposed to be? What if it was art history? The bigger problem is this: What if it was something completely different? I’ve been looking at a lot of astronomy stuff lately, due to another tumblr I follow. I remember the rush of excitement I had as a child when I looked through an astronomy book. And I still have it. What if I should have gotten a physics degree. I also get that same rush when I think about the complexities of evolution and genetics. Maybe I should have gone into biology. And I love to sit and contemplate our existence and how that relates to my religion. What if it should have been philosophy.
Thus my existential crisis: What if I would have been better at one of these things than I am at psychology? I question this mostly because I feel like maybe I’m not making the connection with psychology that I thought would have been made by now. Like, I feel like there’s so much out there and it’s just not sticking in my brain. What if physics would have stuck? What if art history would have stuck? What if any other subject would have stuck?
I think that most of my problem is stemming from the fact that I seem unable to write. That sounds silly since I’m doing that right now, but I mean I can’t seem to write about whatever topic I’m assigned. This includes the area of psychology that I’m supposed to be most interested in, the reason I chose to stay at TU rather than expand my horizons elsewhere. I’m supposed to be most interested in individual differences in personality, but I have the MMPI-2 RF book sitting right here in front of me and I can’t seem to get myself to read it.
What if I shouldn’t be here? What if I didn’t question my interests enough when I had the chance to do so, like when I first started college? Back then I was young, naïve, and thought I was in love and had found the perfect person for me. The problem was that in order to keep that person, I couldn’t stray too far. Not that I wanted to at the time. But sometimes I feel like I should have anyway. Somehow at 18 years old I “knew” that I wanted the rest of my life to be about psychology. But now the scientist in me wonders if I should have tested that hypothesis by forcing myself to explore other areas. 5 years ago I didn’t think I was interested in physics or biology or anything other than psychology, but now I realize that I am. Is it too late?
Ok, this is best way I can sum it up; the issue is this: In a lifetime, one only has so much time and resources to fully learn about and understand a few areas within the vastness of life, science, art, and everything. For some people this is just fine. Maybe they only want to understand one thing. Maybe they don’t care to understand anything. And that works for them. But I want to learn so much. Like, *everything.* Since I can’t possibly do that in one lifetime, did I choose the few areas to fully understand that are *right for me*? Is this really what I’m going to choose to do with my life when there are so many other things I could choose and would like to choose, all at the same time?
Did I choose correctly? What do I do if I chose incorrectly?